Breaking down

Some of you may know, but most of you don't.

I've been struggling.... been trying to get better, but it is hard...
I don't know what to do... So each time I felt anger I just kept it inside. Not wanting to hurt anyone… Also I didn't want to make things harder for me.
I've been doing this for decades, I never really had any issue with this. Yeah keep emotion inside is not good for you... But I'm autistic and never really knew what to do with the 'anger'...

Anyway... the worst came around the same time COVID came. When my step-father had to stop working.... When he was at home all the time. I'm not going to get into all the detail, but he complains about me being slow. Like he asked me to get something too high for him then when I'm on my way, he pretends to fall asleep cause to him I'm too slow.
And like it makes me feel bad and I hate it... But... I don't really know what to do. Cause, like, I'm damaged due to all the bad things he said to me and I don't want to make things worst. Like, he told me and brother so many times that you don't want to argue with him. That HE his always right. (This made my brother (I think) and me scared of him, so I learned to 'keep' the bad emotions in and that I should not show them to him.) Before COVID I visited my brothers (they lived close to me) and could get rid of 'some' of the anger. But, then they moved and it was the first year of COVID. It was so bad that I forgot a lot of what appends during that time. This was when I realize how toxic my step-father was... That it could be a good idea to move out... The idea of moving become stronger last summer, when he and my mom were away and I had the place to myself. (It was for 2 weeks and it was me and the cat) It took a bit of time, but I felt it, I felt better, I was starting to feel like my old self again and... Like I had forgotten how that felt? But I can tell you it felt so good.

So I wanted to draw something to get some of the anger out... so here we are.